she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
