i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
