I'm gonna have a badass scar
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
