I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Randomize
