Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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