1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
