he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
