This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
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Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
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if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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