Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
