Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
