My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize