alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
