I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
