Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
