we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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