oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
