I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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