I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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