We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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