A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
