I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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