My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
