3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
