im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
