I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
