my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
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I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
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True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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