Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
