stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
