Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
