I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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