Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
There's even glitter on my cock...
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