i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
