It's like a parade of train wrecks.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
