Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
