Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
