3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
