she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
A bitchslap is in order.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
