Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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