so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
