Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
