Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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