So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
