i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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