I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
These tits shall not be calmed
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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