I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
