I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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