The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
