When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
