I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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