You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
