You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Randomize
