tell your sister to shave her snatch
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
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