If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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