sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
