I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
